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Loving this crocheted headband. Super cute. From BrokenHallelujah.

Look: I'm Not Going Back to Work

Sound a little defensive? I often sound defensive or aggressive in my writing when I feel like I can't be that way in person. It's my way of venting.

On the docket for today is that little question, "When are you going back to work?" In Canada, we have the blessing of a full year maternity leave. Which is *great*, don't get me wrong. But I find with that kind of time off, people tend to assume that it's more than enough for any mom, and that any mom will return to work as soon as the last government check arrives on her doorstep. I mean, she's had a year, right? She must be dying to become a productive member of society again! Her baby must be weaned and eager for social interaction as well. So, when's the big day?

Well, sorry to disappoint, but that day, if it ever comes, is way way way in the future for me. I have a very hard time admitting this to just about anyone, even to fellow moms who profess that they wish they could do the same. In fact, sometimes they're the hardest ones to admit it to because I don't want to seem like I'm flaunting it (see comment 5 in the list below). It seems no matter who it is, they're just not comfortable with the idea. Don't believe me? Here are a couple of responses I've heard from people I've told I'm not going back:

"So, part-time then?"
"If child care's an issue I know so-and-so would probably take her."
"Yeah, it's nice if you can do that . . . for a while."
"Well, you could work______ instead of teach."
"I hate you." (Followed by an I'm-joking-but-maybe-not-really smile)

So, what's the bfd? (Pardon my abbreviation)

You know, not every mom who chooses to stay home is rich beyond her wildest dreams. Nor is she a traditional religious nutcase. Nor is she just plain lazy. She can be a normal, sane, educated and hard-working person, just like you. And wasn't it only a couple decades ago when this was the norm and women had to rationalize going to work?

Well, because I'm a defensive person, I'm going to give you my reasons to stay home and hopefully bust up some of those assumptions.

Why I'm Not Going Back to Work:

I don't have a job I could realistically go back to. Before I had my daughter, my official job was "Occasional Teacher." Apparently it's politically incorrect or something to say "Substitute Teacher" now, though "Supply Teacher" is a little more acceptable.

Anyway, being an O.T. for a school board means I'm on call every day, but I have no guarantee to work every day. It means that when I do get work, I get a phone call at 6am from an automated system offering me a job for that day from any school in a 60-km radius, and oh yeah, classes start anywhere from 7:30-9:00am.

Now, that was all fine while I was pregnant and racking up mat leave credits. Being a free agent was okay, if a little tiresome. But can you imagine trying to work out childcare with that? Unless they lived next door and were very flexible and understanding or maybe just decided to move in with us, I don't see it happening.

I don't have a job I want to go back to. Like I said, it was okay back then, and decent money and all that, but it's not what I had in mind in teacher's college. I don't have my own classroom, I don't plan lessons, I don't know the kids, and most times I know nothing about what I'm supposed to be teaching. That's because I can be assigned anything from woodworking to calculus to cosmetology to boys phys.ed. There are very few "teachable moments" or any "moments" at all in supply teaching, and when they do crop up, you often need a sense of humour to appreciate them. Why would I choose this as a career?

I don't want to look for a new job that I might find more fulfilling. The time to find a teaching job I would actually enjoy has passed for the time being. I know myself well enough to know that raising a daughter and balancing my first year as a high school English teacher would probably kill me. I am a procrastinating perfectionist when it comes to lesson planning and marking. I found this out during practice teaching. I love the teaching part, but the prep part was hard.

Now, if I'd been teaching for a few years already and had some materials and experience under my belt, I might be ready to go back in a little while, but for my first year? Way too stressful. Like, throw-up stressful. And when I'm stressed out I'm cranky and depressed and not "present" at home. This is unacceptable.

Financially, we've found a way to make it work. No, we're not ballin' it, but we have enough room to try it out for a while, hopefully for a long time. I know not everybody has that option and I'm sorry not everyone does. But I won't feel guilty or sheepish because I do. Or at least, I'm getting better at not feeling that way.

I want to stay home! I enjoy it. It's not always perfect and sometimes I'm ripping my hair out, but for the most part, I really like it. I love being with my daughter throughout the day, watching her play, taking her out, feeding her lunch, taking naps together. I also like having a little bit of time to sew my clips, promote my shop, read novels, bake something special, write occasionally, and plan dinner.

So, there you have my answer to that pesky question. Not right now and not for a while. I may pick up a few days here and there just to keep my name active on teaching lists because you never know and all that, but basically I've decided to become a rich, lazy nutcase and stay home. And that's my final answer.

August Randoms

What's new this month?

Well, the immediate news is that a few days ago I made these cookies and this morning I had 3, yes 3, of them for breakfast. I did it to myself because I drove my husband to the train and had a Walmart excursion all before eating anything, so when I got home the cookies were the first thing I saw and I knew then it was all over. And so good.

Prior to the cookie making, this past Saturday I celebrated my sister's bachelorette with her. She gets married in 2.5 weeks. It was a good time with pizza (that's always a good time), games, some naughty gifts, and then out to the club. Well, the club was pretty good for an old fogey like me. Yes, the ripe old age of 27 has me bidding goodbye to my youthful days. You know you might be too old for the club scene when you experience following:

* Everybody in the bachelorette party wears rub-on tattoos just for the fun of it, and you contemplate where to put yours so that it won't be visible in church the next morning.
* You know maybe 2% of the songs being played. (Although when I knew a song I sang and danced with the best of them.)
* You find the music deafening and keep silently apologizing to those tiny little hairs in your ears that are responsible for picking up sound. I'm sorry, little hairs! Please keep working after this!
* You are shocked--shocked! at the way some young people behave on the dance floor.
* The heels you stupidly decided to wear once-in-your-whole-5'11-life have you going out to the patio not to smoke, but just to sit down.
* When you're feeling a little foolish about being the oldest person in the club, you think, "Hey, at least I can blog about this when I get home!"

Now please don't think I'm a grump and I didn't enjoy myself. Truly, I did. And it was nice to have a girls' night out; I hadn't had one in forever. Plus there were free chocolate strawberries and champagne involved (bachelorette special). So, all in all, it was good.

Make that four cookies. Hide them from me. I have a bridesmaid dress to fit into.

Cutest Thing EVAR

Doesn't he just say, "Love me" with that little smile? Great job, ColtPixy!

How Do You Measure a Year? My Baby's One!

Okay, I've never seen Rent but everyone knows the song. Instead of measuring in coffee cups and so on, I suppose a new parent could measure in diapers, in loads of laundry, or in hours of sleep lost. Perhaps more positively, he or she could measure it in smiles, in kisses, in walks to the park, or in moments of sheer joy. But as the song goes, how about love?

All cheesiness aside (well okay, I can't promise all cheesiness), a baby's first year is quite something. For a while it felt like this day would never come (actually it's still two days away but I take my computer time when I can get it). I was holding my colicky baby (who screamed bloody murder if I tried to put her back in the stroller) and watching a toddler playing contentedly in the sand at the park and thinking, "Will she ever get there?" Of course, at the time, being a mom to a toddler seemed way easier. Oh, to be young and naive!

And yet now the year seems to have flown by. I sound so grandma-like but seriously, where did the time go? In many ways I couldn't be happier, of course. My girl is the cutest, smartest, most beautiful and charming kid that ever walked (yes, walked! I told you she was smart) this earth. I know every mom thinks that, but mine really is. I have loved watching her grow and develop, and I have loved building a relationship with her and as a family even more.

But of course there is some nostalgia for the time when she was nothing but a little ball of baby fat with a mohawk. My husband and I spent some time over the weekend watching home videos of her. We got the video camera when she was just shy of 3 months old--not a newborn anymore but still inmistakably a baby. We made sure we got some footage every month and on every special occasion.

In the beginning, we recorded a lot of her just lying in our arms or on the floor, with us trying to get her to laugh or sneeze or roll over or just "do something" for the camera. Sometimes she cooperated but most of the time she waited until we gave up and turned the camera off, after about 20 minutes. At the time we probably thought we'd edit all the "boring" parts out, but I'm so glad we didn't.

Man, you should have seen us as we watched those videos. Grinning like idiots for every uneventful minute of it. It wasn't uneventful for us, let me tell you. Every twitch--"See how uncoordinated she used to be?" Every look --"Wow, she recognized our faces even then!" Every coo -- "Her voice sounds the same but so different!" Every single little thing she did was mesmorizing. Why? Because we were watching our baby grow up. Shit, I'm getting teary just writing about it.

I know I complain sometimes (what parent doesn't?) but don't think for I second that I am not loving this. Being a mom is awesome, truly full of awe. I don't know how to convey it without resorting to cliches, and when that happens I have to think, hey, cliches come from somewhere. There is real truth to sayings like, "every moment is precious" and all that other sentimental stuff. I have been so magnificently blessed to have had a whole year of those moments, and I pray that I will have many, many more.

Happy birthday, my sweet baby girl.

Sorry for being totally lame

Yeah, I've been MIA for a while. I went on vacation, which was great, but so busy that when I got home I needed a vacation from my vacation. The following weekend I was also busy, getting ready to host a wedding shower for sister, and I would have written about that, except that it was a surprise, so I couldn't (It was a success! Yay!). And now I've had this week to recover, and still don't feel like doing much of anything.

Okay, except for maybe reading Twilight. Yes, I've succumbed with mixed feelings. I'm on the last book. It is somewhat of a disappointment, but interesting enough for me to want to read to the end. One day, when I'm feeling less lame and more like the go-getter I secretly am, I'll write a literary review of the series and compare it to various other series(es?) that seem to have captivated our youth these days. Right now, I'll just go with "Meh. It's okay."

And oh yeah, I go on vacation for another week at the end of this month too, so expect June to pretty much be a write-off. This is nothing new to me, as I've spent all previous Junes doing something with education.

Mine :)

I arranged a loverly trade with LibertyDoll Creations on Artfire and got this neato pouch in exchange for two of my clips:

I need something compact I can just throw in a diaper bag or big purse that still has my essentials. This is the winner! And I can attach my keys to it too. Perfect. Can't wait to get it!