Look: I'm Not Going Back to Work

Sound a little defensive? I often sound defensive or aggressive in my writing when I feel like I can't be that way in person. It's my way of venting.

On the docket for today is that little question, "When are you going back to work?" In Canada, we have the blessing of a full year maternity leave. Which is *great*, don't get me wrong. But I find with that kind of time off, people tend to assume that it's more than enough for any mom, and that any mom will return to work as soon as the last government check arrives on her doorstep. I mean, she's had a year, right? She must be dying to become a productive member of society again! Her baby must be weaned and eager for social interaction as well. So, when's the big day?

Well, sorry to disappoint, but that day, if it ever comes, is way way way in the future for me. I have a very hard time admitting this to just about anyone, even to fellow moms who profess that they wish they could do the same. In fact, sometimes they're the hardest ones to admit it to because I don't want to seem like I'm flaunting it (see comment 5 in the list below). It seems no matter who it is, they're just not comfortable with the idea. Don't believe me? Here are a couple of responses I've heard from people I've told I'm not going back:

"So, part-time then?"
"If child care's an issue I know so-and-so would probably take her."
"Yeah, it's nice if you can do that . . . for a while."
"Well, you could work______ instead of teach."
"I hate you." (Followed by an I'm-joking-but-maybe-not-really smile)

So, what's the bfd? (Pardon my abbreviation)

You know, not every mom who chooses to stay home is rich beyond her wildest dreams. Nor is she a traditional religious nutcase. Nor is she just plain lazy. She can be a normal, sane, educated and hard-working person, just like you. And wasn't it only a couple decades ago when this was the norm and women had to rationalize going to work?

Well, because I'm a defensive person, I'm going to give you my reasons to stay home and hopefully bust up some of those assumptions.

Why I'm Not Going Back to Work:

I don't have a job I could realistically go back to. Before I had my daughter, my official job was "Occasional Teacher." Apparently it's politically incorrect or something to say "Substitute Teacher" now, though "Supply Teacher" is a little more acceptable.

Anyway, being an O.T. for a school board means I'm on call every day, but I have no guarantee to work every day. It means that when I do get work, I get a phone call at 6am from an automated system offering me a job for that day from any school in a 60-km radius, and oh yeah, classes start anywhere from 7:30-9:00am.

Now, that was all fine while I was pregnant and racking up mat leave credits. Being a free agent was okay, if a little tiresome. But can you imagine trying to work out childcare with that? Unless they lived next door and were very flexible and understanding or maybe just decided to move in with us, I don't see it happening.

I don't have a job I want to go back to. Like I said, it was okay back then, and decent money and all that, but it's not what I had in mind in teacher's college. I don't have my own classroom, I don't plan lessons, I don't know the kids, and most times I know nothing about what I'm supposed to be teaching. That's because I can be assigned anything from woodworking to calculus to cosmetology to boys phys.ed. There are very few "teachable moments" or any "moments" at all in supply teaching, and when they do crop up, you often need a sense of humour to appreciate them. Why would I choose this as a career?

I don't want to look for a new job that I might find more fulfilling. The time to find a teaching job I would actually enjoy has passed for the time being. I know myself well enough to know that raising a daughter and balancing my first year as a high school English teacher would probably kill me. I am a procrastinating perfectionist when it comes to lesson planning and marking. I found this out during practice teaching. I love the teaching part, but the prep part was hard.

Now, if I'd been teaching for a few years already and had some materials and experience under my belt, I might be ready to go back in a little while, but for my first year? Way too stressful. Like, throw-up stressful. And when I'm stressed out I'm cranky and depressed and not "present" at home. This is unacceptable.

Financially, we've found a way to make it work. No, we're not ballin' it, but we have enough room to try it out for a while, hopefully for a long time. I know not everybody has that option and I'm sorry not everyone does. But I won't feel guilty or sheepish because I do. Or at least, I'm getting better at not feeling that way.

I want to stay home! I enjoy it. It's not always perfect and sometimes I'm ripping my hair out, but for the most part, I really like it. I love being with my daughter throughout the day, watching her play, taking her out, feeding her lunch, taking naps together. I also like having a little bit of time to sew my clips, promote my shop, read novels, bake something special, write occasionally, and plan dinner.

So, there you have my answer to that pesky question. Not right now and not for a while. I may pick up a few days here and there just to keep my name active on teaching lists because you never know and all that, but basically I've decided to become a rich, lazy nutcase and stay home. And that's my final answer.